me, mysELF, and I
by tech-17
Summary: Opal tries to get revenge, but her plans backfire again. Now Artemis is an Elf? Rated T cause I'm more paranoid than Foaly.
1. Prologue

Me, mysELF, and I

Prologue

**Disclaimer: I don't not own any part of the Artemis Fowl series. If I did, Arty's elf kissing days would SO not be over.**

"I am an outcast. I no longer belong with the fairies, but I also don't belong with humans. You did this to me! So now you will share my fate. I was a pixie, until I became human to get my revenge on you. But you ruined my plan, and now I am left like this. Not quite human, definitely no longer pixie. So I will make you like me: in-between. You will no longer be human, yet you will not be quite fairy. Pixie is too good for you. So I will make you an elf. Of course, you won't have magic, and you will be too tall to be a real elf. Your precious Captain Short will despise you, and you will be left all alone."

Opal smiled, but it was not a happy smile. Artemis couldn't say anything, as he was gagged, and tied to a chair.

"But I think I've said enough. Knock him out!" she said to someone out of sight.

Artemis felt a shock, then passed out.

A/N: I originally put this as a oneshot but i had several people say it would be better with chapters. I kinda agree. The story's still the same.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't not own any part of the Artemis Fowl series. If I did, Arty's elf kissing days would SO not be over.**

Artemis awoke with a massive headache. He opened his eyes, blinking. He looked around and was confused. It was as if he was seeing everything from the wrong point of view.

"Oh! He's awake." Artemis thought that was Holly's voice. Where was he?

Holly came into view, leaning over him. "Artemis? Are you OK?"

"I feel odd, but yes, I believe I am alright."

Artemis heard Foaly's voice. "Wait 'till he looks in the mirror."

Artemis frowned. "What does he mean?"

Holly's face changed. "I think you'll have to see for yourself."

She pulled Artemis into a sitting position. Foaly brought a mirror. Artemis stared at the mirror, not quite comprehending what he was seeing.

"Opal did it," Foaly explained. "We don't really know why. We have her in custody, but she won't talk."

Artemis nodded. "She said she wanted to make me and outcast, not belonging in the human or fairy worlds. I wonder how she did it though."

"Well," Foaly said, "Elves and humans are remarkably similar. You remember that Opal became human by having a human pituitary gland put in her head for HGH. Well, elves have a pituitary gland too; similar to humans, although instead of HGH it's FGH."

Artemis nodded. "Fairy Growth Hormone?"

Foaly continued. "She had some kind of machine, completely illegal, mind you, that was able to do basically computer plastic surgery, hence the pointed ears."

Artemis reached up to touch his ears. It felt odd.

"Other than that, you aren't much different. You still have no magic; however, you will probably age closer to the fairy fate, maybe a little faster."

Holly laughed. "Well he was a criminal. He would have lost his magic anyway."

"Am I allowed up?" Artemis asked.

Foaly nodded.

Artemis tried to stand up, but fell. Holly caught him and pushed him back down onto the bed. Artemis didn't try to get back up. He had just realized that he was too close to Holly's height.

"How tall am I?" he asked.

"About 107 cm. (A/N 3 ft. 6 in)

"Oh." Artemis looked at Holly, who was sitting next to him on the bed. "Well Holly, at least now we can see eye to eye."

Holly laughed slightly. "Yes, I suppose so."

Foaly chuckled. "I don't think you two will ever see eye to eye."

Artemis shrugged. "Maybe. Who knows?"

Holly punched Artemis lightly on the arm. "I thought you were supposed to know everything mud boy!"

Artemis acted outraged. "Mud boy! Do I look like a mud boy to you?"

Holly shrugged. "No, you look like an elf. But I've been calling you mud boy for years."

"Well, seeing as I am apparently not a mud boy any longer, I suggest you find something else to call me."

"Alright Arty." Holly said, expecting him to protest.

Artemis smiled. "You know only people who are very close to me are allowed to call me 'Arty'." He didn't say she couldn't call him that.

Foaly decided he had heard enough. He almost liked them better when they weren't getting along. At least he didn't have to watch Artemis almost flirt with Holly. Next he'd be calling him "noble steed'. Foaly shuddered.

"We have bigger problems than Artemis's name. I don't think he can live on the surface like this. And what do we tell his parents, if anything?"

Artemis sighed. "We have to tell Mother. She already knows about you all. I'd like to tell Father as close to the truth as possible, however I don't expect you to allow me to tell him everything. I am sure we can invent something to tell the rest of the world. Perhaps I became a monk, and am living in a remote area with no contact with the outside world. I don't really care what people are told. All I ask is that my parents don't have to lose their son with no explanation again."

"Of course, I will immediately get to work trying to chance you back to human." Foaly said.

Artemis looked down. Quietly he asked, "What if I don't want to be human?"

Foaly was shocked. "Why would you not want to be human? Your family is human!"

"Yes, Foaly, I realize that. But…" he trailed off, seeming to not know what to say.

"Artemis, life would be hard for you as an elf." Holly said, worried about her friend.

"Yes, I know. Holly, let me ask you something. Do remember what you said when we went back in time, when we were waiting for Mulch to get us a shuttle, when we were sitting on the hood of the car?" Holly nodded. "If I stayed an elf, would that still apply?"

Holly looked up at Artemis, realization dawning on her face.

"What did you tell him when you went back in time?" Foaly asked.

Holly ignored him. Her hand unconsciously went to her lips. "I don't know Artemis."

Foaly was still confused. "I take it there were a few things you left out of your report?"

"Foaly, please, shut up."

Foaly didn't shut up. "Artemis, care to shed a little light for me?"

Artemis ignored Foaly. "Please Holly."

Holly sighed. "Maybe Arty. Maybe. I'm not sure right now."

"Well, in any case, Foaly, am I correct in assuming that I would have to stay in Haven until I was human again anyway?"

"Yes, that would be best."

"Alright. We still need to tell my mother. She can make something up for Father. And at least for now, I will live in Haven."

Holly nodded. "Alright. I suppose we will have to go to the surface to get your things and explain to your mother, then you can start living in Haven. Foaly, I have to go with Artemis to the surface. So you get to explain things to the Council."

Foaly sighed. "You owe me Fowl."

Artemis just shrugged. "Perhaps"


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't not own any part of the Artemis Fowl series. If I did, Arty's elf kissing days would SO not be over.**

Artemis and Holly went up to the surface about an hour later. When they reached the shuttle port at Tara Artemis called his mother from his cell phone.

Angeline Fowl answered right away. "Arty darling, where are you? I've been worried. Are you with Holly?"

"Yes mother right now I am. Listen, I need to talk to you about some things that Father and the twins can't know about. Are you at home?"

"Yes and your father and the twins are out. They won't be back for a few hours."

"Good. I'm on my way home now."

At the manor Artemis asked Holly if she would let him explain to his mother alone. Holly agreed. Artemis explained what had happened. Angeline understood.

"I assume Holly will take care of you?"

Artemis nodded. "Mother… mom, Foaly said he would work on finding a way to make me human again, and I have no doubt that between him and I we will find a way. But… I… I'm not sure I will be coming back."

Angeline understood. "You want to stay like this."

Artemis nodded sadly. He didn't want to hurt his mother.

Angeline studied her son. He had changed, and not just in appearance. "Is Holly at all part of why you would want to stay an elf?"

"No mother… mom… she is not part, she is the reason."

Angeline smiled. "I know you kept in touch with Holly even when she was in Haven and you were here. I expect you to call me occasionally. And if you decide to stay, see if you can find a way to say goodbye to you father."

Artemis nodded. "You will see me again, at least once."

Angeline smiled, hugging her son. "Good luck."

Artemis hugged her back. "Thank you, mom."

Artemis went to his room to get his laptop and a few other things. He would have to get new clothes, as his old ones would be too big.

Artemis said goodbye to his mother before they left. She hugged him again and told him to be careful. To Holly she said, "Take care of Arty for me, OK?"

Holly said she would. And then they left for Haven.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't not own any part of the Artemis Fowl series. If I did, Arty's elf kissing days would SO not be over.**

Three weeks later Foaly knocked on the door of Holly's apartment. Artemis had been staying there since he wasn't used to Haven. The Council had grudgingly agreed that it was better to have Artemis living in Haven than in Ireland, as having a human who looked like an elf could be even worse that a human who was in contact with the People.

Holly was trying to get Trouble Kelp to give Artemis a job working with Foaly. Trouble wasn't too happy about this arrangement. He didn't like Artemis. However, Trouble did like Holly, so he was considering it. Of course, Artemis could still get money from when he was human. He spoke frequently with his mother, and he had money coming from various patents and things, which his mother sent to him. But Artemis wanted to get a job for himself.

Holly let Foaly in. "Good afternoon, Major Short," Foaly said. Holly had been promoted to Major last week.

Holly sighed. "Hello Foaly."

Foaly grinned at Artemis. "It looks like you won't be needing a job at the LEP after all. I figured out how to turn you back!"

Artemis's face fell. "Oh, yes. Great. I am sure Holly will be glad to get me out of her apartment."

Holly looked at Artemis. He looked dejected. She sighed. She had gotten used to having him around. He was more open, and he had seemed happier. She had gotten used to seeing him as an elf. She had to admit, he did make a handsome elf. And it was nice to not have to crane her neck to look at his face.

She looked at Foaly. "Good job buddy. Look, can we talk more later? I need to talk to Artemis."

Foaly looked at her strangely, but left.

Holly turned to Artemis. "I suppose you will be glad to see your family again."

Artemis sighed. "Yes."

"Surely you would rather be a human. On the surface, you are Artemis Fowl, multimillionaire genius extraordinaire. Here you're just another elf. A jobless, borderline homeless elf."

Artemis looked up at her, his eyes sad. "Is that what I am to you? Just another elf? Or just a rich genius?"

"No! Artemis, you're my best friend, no matter what you look like, no matter what your status is."

Artemis sighed again. "And therein lies the problem. Holly, you aren't just my best friend. I love you." Artemis stood. "I'll go tell Foaly to change me back now."

Holly pushed him back down on the couch. "Oh no you won't."

"Wha…" Artemis started to say but was stopped by Holly pressing her lips to his.

For a second Artemis just sat there, stunned. But then he kissed her back, his arms coming around her to pull her closer. Finally Holly needed to breathe and pulled back, but not much. Her mismatched eyes stared into Artemis's own.

Artemis grinned. "I thought you said my elf kissing days were over."

Holly smacked him playfully on the arm.

"You were human then, and I… I love you too Artemis."

Artemis smiled, and kissed her again.


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't not own any part of the Artemis Fowl series. If I did, Arty's elf kissing days would SO not be over.**

Five years later Artemis called his mother on the phone. "Hello mom."

"Hello Artemis. I've missed you."

"Actually, that's why I'm calling. Holly and I both finally have a 2 week surface visa, and I was hoping we could come stay at Fowl Manor."

"Of course! Myles and Becket will be glad to see their brother. And they have only met their sister-in-law once, at the wedding. They probably don't even remember what she looks like."

Artemis's parents greeted him at the entrance to Fowl Manor. They hugged him, then turned to Holly. They were going to hug her when they noticed what, or rather, who, she was carrying.

"Mother, Father," Artemis said, "meet Artemis Fowl III."


End file.
